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The Wind Blew Some Sand in My Eyes.

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Monday, May 14, 2007

The Wind Blew Some Sand in My Eyes.

When the clock read 3:30pm today I said a little prayer to myself and forced myself to think about other things.

Like cleaning the garage, filling up the sandbox, being outside with the kids on a gorgeous 95 degree day.

I wouldn't let myself think about my mom and her appointment with the oncologist.

I wouldn't let myself think about what any outcome would be.

I did, what I am very good at, keeping myself busy.

Keep moving, on to this and that. Don't stop to think about it.

By the time H awoke at 4pm the appointment was far from my thoughts.

At 5:40pm when a family member called and asked if I heard anything, I was irritated. Don't remind me. Don't make me think about it. Let me be.

T's baseball game started as the clock rolled to 6:30pm and again my mind was gone.

At 7:30pm I had a message and I knew it'd be best to call back.

Sitting at the baseball field, I called and heard my dad's voice.

She's been admitted. She starts chemo tonight.

This cancer is aggressive and at the worst stage. It was either start chemo ASAP or get hospice for six weeks.

Samara, this is terminal.

Two years, maybe.

But don't forget, God makes miracles.
God has a plan.

Yeah. I said through tears.

And I sat in my chair and cried as I listened to my mom for a minute try to act like this is normal.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" she asked.

TOMORROW? Are you kidding me? I thought.

"Nothing. M has a doctor appointment. That's it." I humor her.

"Oh good, I hope that those meds have been helping her."

Me too, mom. Me too.

And as I sit in the chair, between my husband and the kids mom, with tears coming out underneath my sunglass covered eyes, I am so sad. Scared. Mad.

And I finish talking to my mom and again to my dad. Say our goodbyes and I love yous.

Hang up. Wipe the eyes and think about something else.

As T comes over to get a drink he looks at me and asks why I'm crying.

"I'm not. The wind blew some sand in my eyes." I lie wincing inside at the fact that I am lying to a child that we are trying to teach not to lie.

J, nor the kids mom L, said anything. They give me the grace and space they know I need in those moments.

And the three of us adults sit there at the game in silence.

I look at H who's getting discontent in his stroller. I know if I look long enough at him, I will be able to smile or laugh about something.

Because so many have asked, my mom has terminal carcinoma in her lungs. It is cancer in the lymphnodes of her lungs that has spread to her liver.

I said before I won't say much about this here, and I'd like to think I won't.

I've spent the last several days feeling many different things.

One moment I am laughing my head off at something one of the kids says or does.

Another moment I am saddened about my mom. And then I'm saddened about my dad because I know he's heartbroken too.

Then another moment I can smile with M about her kindergarten days and listen to T read his school reading book. I can watch H speed crawl across the house.

Yet I find my patience is short.

And in the morning, I just want to hit snooze or pretend this whole cancer thing was all a bad dream.

So far, it's not.

11 Comments:

Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

I am so sorry to learn about your mom Samara. I will be praying for her, you and all your family. We can always have hope.

Your post tells me you are dealing with this very painful news in your own way. It is a grieving process and that is never easy.

I wish there could be pixie dust to heal all the hurt rather than sand in your eyes.

May 15, 2007 at 1:28 AM  
Blogger amb said...

Samara I will be praying for you and your family. Call whenever you need! I love you all!
abbie

May 15, 2007 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger Kendra Wiggins said...

Oh Samara...I am sitting at my desk at work weaping for you and your family. A parent...your mom...is like no other person in the world and I am broken for you all. I know that I can't do anything for you to ease that sharp sting of pain and hurt but I will be praying that God moves in the way He is suppose to and that you and your family filled with Him through the ups and downs of the days to come. Keep us posted please!

May 15, 2007 at 9:06 AM  
Anonymous Linda said...

I could drop some great line or offer encouragement, but all I want to say is I am praying my guts out for strength for you and your family!

May 15, 2007 at 1:15 PM  
Blogger Kendra Wiggins said...

Give her my best and let her know that there was a school counselor at her desk in Monmouth, Illinois that was praying for her family. I hate cancer more and more each day....

This is from my mom.

May 15, 2007 at 3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH Sweetheart..
My heart goes out to you and your family.. My heart is hurting also.
I'm praying like I have never prayed before, I'm here for you if you would like to talk
Love you
Aunt Laurie

May 15, 2007 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger Mrs. H said...

Samara--

You and your family are in my prayers.

Remember, God never gives you more than He thinks you can handle.

Stay strong.

May 15, 2007 at 3:56 PM  
Blogger Megasue said...

lots of love from Michigan to you and your family Samara. i'll be sure to have some words with God about this one...

May 15, 2007 at 7:03 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

samara, where there are no words sufficient right now, please know that i am crying out to God for you, your family, and the doctors who will be caring for your mom. may you cherish each day you have with your family.

May 16, 2007 at 9:36 AM  
Blogger Kjersten & Michael said...

Samara,
I just heard this news and wanted to let you know that your mom and family will be in my prayers as you go through this hard time.
Blessings,
Kjersten

May 16, 2007 at 9:56 AM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Please know that I, too, will be keeping you, your Mom, your Dad and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers.

Life can be so unfair.

May 16, 2007 at 11:39 AM  

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