What Makes A Mother? *Updated*

What makes a mother, a mother?

Is it the pregnancy and birth? The adoption papers reading mom and dad's names? The role one plays in a family?

Prior to having H, I felt a fraud, a counterfeit acting a mothers role, though many of my roles when T and M are here are the roles of a mother. Yet I did not conceive, birth or nurture them as babes. So what does that make me? Their stepmother, yes, but does that make me less of a parent? Sometimes I sure feel that way when talking with someone at the park or a stranger conversing.

Think of the stepmothers we've seen on tv and in movies. More often than not they are evil, mean and ugly. In the past, fathers did not get as many rights as mothers and again, more often than not, children saw their fathers on weekends and maybe every other Wednesday.

A lot of people's ideas of stepmothers come from their own history. Whether or not they had experience with a stepmother, whatever media says about stepmothers and the past history.

So many times I am left feeling this need to "prove" myself as a parent. Not to T and M, or my family, or even the kids mom.

Sometimes I've wondered if people who adopt their children feel this infinite need to prove themselves worthy of the parental role and title. Do people question them?

But the most recent thing that has me asking what makes a mother, a mother is in regards to egg donation. Is the egg donor a mother too, though her part was a surgically removed egg? Is the mother who labored and birthed the babe the mother?

Or are both the mothers?

And what happens when the child is asking questions, or what about medical history? Is the egg donors medical history accounted for as well as the birthing mothers medical history?

In college, I used to see all sorts of ads and get mailers about donating eggs for fast, quick and easy cash. While I never did this, nor even know anyone who's done this it leaves me with a lot of questions.

My friends over at Cribsheet/Star Tribune wrote a little about the recent New York Times Magazine story about egg donors and how that affects people later on. I found it amazing, and interesting, yet somewhat disturbing.

Here's my question for you readers, what are the ramifications for these women who are donating eggs for quick cash? Do you think they wonder later on about the "eggs" that could have been? Do you think that is fair to a child?

And what about the mother who births them, do you think she feels any less related to her baby because of the genetics being from the egg donor and her husband?

I really don't know and that's why I'm asking these questions. I just don't know.

What do you think about this very controversial subject?

*edited to add: Just out of curiousity, why do you think sperm donation and egg donation are viewed differently?

And I want to note that I think that putting a child up for adoption is completely different than egg donation, I'm not even going to go into that subject here. I'm more specifically wondering about those who just donate eggs, whether it be for friend or family, or the cash that comes along with it. People put children up for various, various reasons and like my friend Gail, wrote last week, a birth mother really truly never forgets.*