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Monday, January 14, 2008

Dear Mom,

Yesterday marks one month. One month has now passed since you've been gone. And in many ways I am totally floored that it's already been a month, and in other ways, it seems that this, has been the longest month of my life yet.

I still miss you and think of you daily. There are still times I get choked up and find myself with tears flowing down my cheeks. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.

I have questions now that I didn't have before. How did you take care of so many things so gracefully while you were so ill? How did you make your departure so loving and beautiful?

And then I have silly, mundane questions like wishing you could tell me how to keep a Peace Lily alive because I'm having a really hard time. You'd really laugh at the four plants I have.


I miss our daily phone calls and if I could get a direct connect to you right now, I think I might talk your ear off for eleven hours straight without taking a breath.

I find myself reflecting on years and years of history between us and within our family. Memories come back in no particular order and for no rhyme or reason. There are many funny things and heartwarming moments and the occasional thought that has me wincing, mostly because of me and my, at times, immature ways and thoughts on life.

M, still asks questions occasionally and sometimes even forgets that you're gone, rather thinking you're on an extended vacation. Sometimes I wish that were the case.

H, pages through photo albums, and there are many that bring tears to my eyes. Your smile, the joy you have in the pictures and the love that is beaming through. It's never been clearer to me than it is now.

Mom, even if we'd had more time there wouldn't have been much more to tell you. You knew I loved you. You knew I was sad. You knew that I didn't know what I would do without you.

And I still don't. I think of you, I remember you, I dream of you and I talk to those who knew you. I listen to dad. Your sisters and I call each other. We are each a connection to you.

I think of all the things people have said of you the last several months. I think of how you would respond in certain situations. Always tactful, yet honest and to the point. On Christmas morning when a certain brother-in-law's wife (Oh you know the one mom) asked me about you and about dad, I had all I could do not to fly across the room and give her a piece of my mind. But I remembered what you would have said and what you would have done. And I kept my mouth shut.

You taught me many things, way too many to recount here. It's been resoundingly clear that I have learned what kind of person I am and who the other people in my life are. And this matters because it's something you always said you were discovering. During your illness, you learned who was really there and who your real friends were. So did I.

I am getting tired of people asking if I've gotten back into the routine of life again. It's not like I've spent the last month sitting on the couch drinking egg nog and eating fudge. I much rather would have done that. I've been figuring out what a life without you, the constant encouragement, love and truth, is like.

I've been trying to balance a lot of things and keep myself together, mom, and I know that you would tell me, it's going to be ok and I know in my heart it will be too. But I just want you to know that as long as I'm still breathing I'm going to miss you and the mother you were (and are) to me. And even if the days get easier and the tears don't fall as quickly, there's still a hole in me, missing you.


Just as you've always said, I want you to know that I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I'm living, my mumsy you'll be.

Your middle daughter,
Samara

14 Comments:

Blogger Jill Davis Doughtie said...

Hug.

January 14, 2008 at 8:20 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

(I would put words here if I had any worthy of typing. But I don't. Just tears falling down my cheeks and love, love love love for you and appreciation for your mother's life and legacy.)

January 14, 2008 at 11:57 AM  
Blogger Patience said...

I love you S. I know I don't show it much, but I do. And I'm on the same page.

January 14, 2008 at 12:42 PM  
Anonymous Dadio's said...

Thank you for sharing your heart.
It's been an un believable 31 days. I miss here terrificly. Its not easy for you or S & A, My hope is that we all process this grief and remember we will see her again in glory with the Lord Jesus Christ.
I love you
Dadio

January 14, 2008 at 1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you sure wrote a page full.I feel so much the same way and yes the tears just come on.I realy miss HER alot I love you very much Aunt Janet

January 14, 2008 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Beautiful letter from a beautiful daughter. That one month marker is so hard. Love to you all.

January 14, 2008 at 9:29 PM  
Blogger Michael-Sarah-Greta-Calla said...

samara, i love the way you have shared your mom's life, love & spirit with all of us. thank you for sharing your heart too. love to you friend, sarah

January 14, 2008 at 11:01 PM  
Blogger Mrs. H said...

Oh Samara.

I have been out of the loop for over a month and didn't realize that your mom had passed.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes I feel so much for you.

God Bless you and your family.

January 15, 2008 at 10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

S Thank You so much for shareing your letter to Mom. I too have alot of those feelings. and the tears just flow. She is an amazing women.
Hugs and kisses. I Love You
Aunt Laurie

January 15, 2008 at 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Kalev said...

Sweetie---I could have written a similar post, almost 14 years ago and at times, could post it again today. My mom's been gone almost 14 years. Some days, it still hurts like it was yesterday. I keep moving forward, doing things, missing her. I have not forgotten, but I keep going on, she would have wanted that. I have gotten angry she's not here---to tell me how to grow plants, to serve something, to NOT tell so-and-so to F off and die when they do or say something so terrible.

Give yourself time to breathe, to heal. It will never be fixed, but it WILL be better. Grief is not a linear process, some days just SUCK. Some days, you can laugh and remember good times. Some days you will go without thinking about her at all, until you remember you haven't thought of her.

Don't be hard on yourself, just be. Just heal. She's with you every moment.

January 16, 2008 at 10:56 AM  
Blogger :: Suzanne :: said...

WHHHHHHHhaaaaaa


I know that I will survive my mother's death, as everyone else seems to, but I can't -- at this point -- imagine how.

Thanks for sharing . . .

January 16, 2008 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger Damama T said...

It's been 23 years,7 months, and 14 days since we lost my mother. I still miss her very much, but feel her presence and *talk* to her daily.

Your letter is a beautiful tribute to the bond between you. May I please encourage you to read a book that helped me a great deal. Motherless Daughters - The Legacy of Loss

Kalev said what I'd like to say much better than I could have said it.

You are in my prayers.
http://damama2all.blogspot.com/

January 16, 2008 at 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Samara, It's difficult to comment because the tears are streaming down my face.....my mom is almost 87 and has alzheimers! I still have great conversations with her, but if I walk in the other room for a couple of minutes, she forgets that I was there! I don't care, because I still have her to hug and look at. Your loss is immeasurable! My daughter is 29 and lives in Phoenix--I treasure every conversation we have--many times a week. I don't know what my point is here--I just know that I feel so much pain for all of you and feel so helpless in offering you words of healing. God bless you and your family and thanks for sharing your loving thoughts of you mother. Sincerely, Trish Hogan

January 17, 2008 at 9:20 AM  
Anonymous susiej said...

Yes... difficult to comment, because of the tears that make it so hard to see the keyboard.
"I miss our daily phone calls and if I could get a direct connect to you right now, I think I might talk your ear off for eleven hours straight without taking a breath."
My favorite part.

March 17, 2008 at 9:28 PM  

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