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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tomorrow's Another Day.

Dear H,

I just walked down the hallway to find you fast asleep falling out of your bed. I lifted your limp (yet heavy) body back to the center of the bed and you fought me in your sleep.

I wince as I cover you up with your blanket and kiss your soft cheek goodnight.

Tomorrow's another day. I whisper and I walk out of the room and flip the hall light off.

We were not at our best today, you and I. And I want to make excuses for you, I want to say you're overtired or you're getting sick or you've spent too much time with a bad role model. But I can't.

Cause it's normal. And you're 3 and a half. And a boy.

We were rocky starting out today because yesterday afternoon, in a moment after I lost my cool and sent you to wait in the entryway, you told me that I was mean.

And for the first time, words came out of your mouth that hurt me. That made me question me.

When I checked in on you and kissed you goodnight last night, I whispered. I miss you, Tomorrow will be better.

I woke up today with high hopes that today would indeed be better. That I would be patient and loving and kind and that you would be my sweet boy that does not talk back and always listens. (Ok, I was partially dreaming.)

The day did not go well. I was already not feeling 100% so between a trip to the doctor, the pharmacy, a friends house, an allergic reaction and getting you to school, I was already pretty much shot.

The meds I was given didn't agree with me and it wasn't long after I took them that I started to feel sick. The world and your words were foggy.

So as I zipped up your jacket and slipped on your hat before school, I was numb when you told me, I was a bad mama.

All because I made you put a clean shirt on before school.

But I heard it and I hear it, even now eight hours afterwards, I hear your voice telling me.

You are my happy, joyful, full of life boy and I love you so much that hearing those things out of your mouth break me down, chip at my heart and hurt me at the core.

By the time I picked you up at school I had forgiven and was ready for your big blue eyes and a great giant hug from you.

And instead I got tired eyes and a whiny little boy who pushed and prodded and provoked all afternoon, through dinner, bath and storytime.

And now you're asleep, in your bed and I am overcome with grief over our day.

I know that you love me, I do. And I know that you don't know what you're saying when you tell me I'm mean or a bad mama. Or maybe that's naive of me.

Seemingly overnight you've changed on me. You've lost your baby look. You're older and smarter and sassier and today you gave me a taste of something I don't like so much.

But H, this is a stage and a phase. And you, you are worth fighting for. If that means I need to combat this sassy talk and behavior head on, I will.

Because you know, I'm your mama and no matter what, I see the best in you and will do everything I can for you to be your best. And there is nothing you can do or say that will make me stop loving you and fighting for the best in you.

These days are going to happen. This isn't the end of that but we need to remember that tomorrow's another day.

With love, to the moon and where the aliens live, and back, sweet boy.

Mama

Mama and H. On a better day.

17 Comments:

Blogger citymouse said...

Sorry you've had a rough few days. It'll get better. I still have those days with my boys and they are much older than H. All you can do is live for today and take care of what today brings. I Peter 5:7: "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."

February 18, 2010 at 10:27 PM  
Blogger darcie said...

ah yes. he IS a 3.5 year old boy afterall. Hang in there...this is the part where he tests the waters...the unchartered waters. He'll be watching to see how you react/handle this as he makes his next move-
but this won't last-he loves you too much for that...
xxoo

February 18, 2010 at 10:31 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Oh, my heart is sad for you. These are tough times, where your heart is bound to these small souls so tightly, and where they can give you the highest highs and the lowest lows, all in the course of a hour's time. Many hugs to you from another mommy in the trenches.

February 18, 2010 at 10:54 PM  
Anonymous Unplanned Cooking said...

I think "bad" is the in word at preschool right now because I too have been called a "bad mama." And our boys call each other "bad" when hurt or angry. They're lucky they're so darn cute ;)

February 19, 2010 at 5:01 AM  
Blogger Gloria said...

One day, long ago, my then 3 or 4 year old boy said "I hate you!". It ripped my heart out. When we talked about what he had said, I actually started crying and told him how much words hurt and that even though we feel them and we might want to say them, we need to find a different way to say how we are feeling than the ugly words that want to just jump out of our mouth. The next time he was really angry with me, he paused for a while and I could tell he was boiling and he said with his teeth clenched. "I want to say I hate you, but I won't because I know it will hurt your feelings." Hey, that was a good starting point!

February 19, 2010 at 7:56 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Sending you some sunshine and hopes that today is a better day!

February 19, 2010 at 8:10 AM  
Blogger The Bishops said...

I know how words like this can break your heart, but know that to H's core, he LOVES you!!

February 19, 2010 at 8:29 AM  
Blogger LutherLiz said...

I hope today is better and the phase passes quickly.

February 19, 2010 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Samara, It is a phase and it will pass. Probably not as quickly as you would like, but it will pass. Those words come from my little chichs mouth everytime she doesnt get her way. I keep calm and do not react to it (on most days).
They hear it from somewhere and it makes its way into your (our) home with our warning. It will get better, and will pass.
Heres to a better day today!

February 19, 2010 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Lee of MWOB said...

Samara - this was sooooo beautiful and I'm all teary. I totally get this. I really really do. The heartache of our loves growing into their own little souls and brains who tell us what they think and how they feel about our meanness. Wow.

You are an awesome mama and yes, each day is a new day. We are always "starting over" as we say in our house.

Hang in there.....

xo
Lee

February 19, 2010 at 11:28 AM  
Blogger Jon, Sara, Tyler, and Sophie said...

Oh Samara! I have had days like that, and I appreciate your wonderfully written post. Here is to a better day!

February 19, 2010 at 12:41 PM  
Blogger amanda said...

without a question this is the hardest thing for me as a mama - getting over the bad days. i take them so personally, even though i know better.

thinking of you friend :)

February 19, 2010 at 2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They have to test you and he will everyday. My little baby boy is 15and he has to test all the time.Remember to say I Love you, all day long. love you, you are a great mama. Janet

February 19, 2010 at 3:45 PM  
Blogger Megasue said...

Simplicity...you are, and will unequivocally remain, one of the best moms I know...

February 19, 2010 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger sara said...

I've never visited your blog before today and it was just what I needed to read - to know that I wasn't alone, that this is "normal" and that we all feel like failures from time to time. Not that I don't, logically, know that - you know how it is.

My son is 4 and pushing every button on repeat all throughout the day. I also have a nearly 3 year old who said to me last night, "I don't like you!" and felt like an ass when I nearly cried. But those words hurt - especially when you give up all you are for your child (and then today I started thinking - maybe THAT is the problem?). So - my thoughts are with you. We'll make it through this rough patch and be stronger for it (I'm crossing everything!). :)

February 20, 2010 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

It if makes you feel any better, he was a charming young boy when I was with him the other day. He held the door AND the gate open for me! He was helpful with supper and picked up his toys when I asked him to. Sometimes, we hurt the ones we love most when we really don't try to!

February 21, 2010 at 12:30 AM  
Blogger The Fritz Facts said...

I am so sorry that last week was rough. It is never easy when they hit a time in their little lives where their words really start to hurt us.

Much love dear.

February 28, 2010 at 9:32 PM  

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