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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Our Normal.

We said goodbye to T and M yesterday until the 25th. This morning the two of them along with their mom, stepdad, cousins and an aunt and uncle boarded a plane Florida-bound for a Disney World extravaganza.

We're excited for them and the two of them have been inching out of their skin with excitement for days now. I know they'll have a fun time and have lots of great stories to share with us when they return.

Lots of people, including T, have been asking how this is on H and if he's bummed he's not Disney-bound this week. To which I tell them, this is H's normal. He doesn't ask why he's not going, he doesn't ask if he can go, he doesn't even balk that they are going, he just gets it because it's always been that way.

T and M come and go and do different things with their mom and then they're back and he just takes it in stride. We've never had to explain and never offered to either. It's just what it is for him.

I sometimes waffle with what to explain and what to leave to his own mind of invention.

The other day, him and M, my middles and many times biggest allies of each other, were arguing over something. I can't even remember what now but M was annoyed and H was annoyed and all of a sudden H said;

"You don't even live here all the time."

I literally froze. M went silent. I didn't even know what to say or do. I stood in the kitchen for a second and then walked in and told H to apologize.

He started crying and saying; "But she doesn't. I live here ALL the time, she doesn't."

What chapter of which book can I look that answer up in?

I had to explain, right then, right there, that we are a family, regardless of who lives here all the time and who doesn't and that this house is all of ours.

We were at M's first pre-school open house when she was 3 and she was shy-er than shy. {This is not an exaggeration.} J and I were there with her and T and their mom, we all tried making small talk but we were new at this thing and not so good at it yet. M was standing at the sand table and while J and the kids mom figured out paperwork, I knelt next to M when she asked the girl next to her, "Where's your Samara?"

This is her normal, I remember thinking and J and I would say to each other when we'd talk about it. She thinks every other kid around here has a mom, a dad and a Samara. I remember wondering if we were doing her a disservice by not telling her that she was not the norm at age 3.

Naturally, like all kids, the world has evolved around her and she has figured out and seen first hand the differences in families and still to this day accepts any family situation she's run into.


This is his normal. And hers too. And as they see the world around them and the world sees them, they adapt and they question and they figure out and we adults, we just pray that we give the right answers and we say the right words and most importantly that they all know that they are loved regardless of place in this family.

Related: Blended.Family.
For other links and thoughts I've written on our blended family, check my About Me page for links.


Blogger Beth said...

I think you're doing a pretty darn good job - I know it can't be easy. And I think others could learn from your example!

February 17, 2011 at 2:53 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

I agree with Beth! I think you and J are doing a great job and I'm sure many people are learning from your example. Keep it up S!!

February 17, 2011 at 3:10 PM  
Anonymous Dadio said...

THE most importantly that they all know that they are loved regardless of place in this family. Yes absolutely! Amen ! Again I say !


February 17, 2011 at 3:18 PM  
Anonymous Jane Schimmel said...

I remember you sharing this with me at work. It was the sweatest thing I ever heard.

February 17, 2011 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You are such a great example of a blended family..I pray we can be as happy coexisting as you and your kids :)

February 17, 2011 at 5:43 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

I remember the first time you told us about M asking, "Where's your Samara?" I love your family's norm. I think you are all better people for it!

February 17, 2011 at 8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was beautiful put. Love to all Janet

February 20, 2011 at 2:09 PM  

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