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Thursday, May 8, 2008

On Mother's Day.

I've been feeling kind of somber this week. And every time I hear or see something for Mother's Day, I feel a little twinge of sadness.

Mother's Day has always been about my mom, and in more recent years, my mom and T and M's mom. I have spent days and hours over the past years thinking and pondering about what to do or make or give. The challenge only grew harder once J and I were married. With two little ones, I wanted to make T and M's mom, my mom and J's mom all feel special and receive something special from the kids. One year I spent almost five hours at a do-it-yourself paint the pottery shop with both kids making fun keepsake plates.

Over time, the kids have started making their own things, at school and such and we've even resorted to the store bought cards and flowers.

But this year, I haven't even stood and looked at the Mother's Day cards.

And I won't.

I've given J his assignment to find something for his mom.

Come Sunday, I will be with my dad helping him do what my mom would have done. Plant flowers and get ready for summer.

Perhaps Mother's Day would be hard for anyone who's lost their mom, but the timing of it is especially difficult.

It was only one year ago that my world stopped. The earth was quiet. And for the first time in my life I learned that it wasn't going to be ok.

I think that we all know at some level that our parents will pass before us, but not when you're in your mid-twenties and your parents are healthy, happy people.

It was just one year ago that the phone rang and I looked at it oddly and knew something was wrong. It was just one year ago that tears ran out from under my sunglass covered eyes and I sat in disbelief at a baseball game.

It was just one year ago that I saw my mom in a new way.

So this Mother's Day, I could care less about flowers or cards, a dinner out or anything like that. If I could make just one request, I'd ask for one more day with mom. And even as I request that, I know that I am selfish and even one more day would never be enough to fill the gap I feel inside.

Even on those days where the tears don't fall as easily and the loss doesn't feel so raw, it is there, this longing for her. And that will never go away.

My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon

8 Comments:

Blogger Melissa said...

Peace and prayers to you, my friend.

May 8, 2008 at 7:58 AM  
Blogger Patience said...

I'll be here too. Planting. I think Laurie, dad and I will buy the flowers tomorrow before you leave.

aid

May 8, 2008 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Oh, Samara. I'm sorry you have to be so young to be going through this horrible loss. This should not be happening to you and yours.

Even though my Mom lived to the ripe old age of 86, I can't manage to look at cards, either...or stand to read all those glossy covers of magazines this month. Even TV commercials are tough.

Like I told you before, the word for this time: raw. Love to you, dear Samara.

May 8, 2008 at 8:20 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I thought it would get easier when I had j and could focus on the fact that I was a mom on Mother's Day and not on the fact that mine was gone.

I wish I could say it did, but it didn't.

I'll be sending extra thoughts your way this weekend. (As I too plan to work on my house, and plant my pots, wishing my mom was around to tell me what to buy. Her thumb was always much greener than mine.)

May 8, 2008 at 9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dearest S. You are such an amazing wife, mother and friend. I cannot image my live without you. I know you are the loving, wise and strong women today because of your mom. I am forver grateful to your mom for raising and modeling everything that is good in you! I and all our children are better people for having the opportunity to know and love your mom. I love you, J.

May 8, 2008 at 2:33 PM  
Anonymous Daddio said...

It will be different. Yet it will be ok.
Love 2 all
Dadio's

May 8, 2008 at 3:34 PM  
Blogger Megasue said...

My dearest simplicity...i can only imagine that your mother wishes she could be with you, just as much as you wish you could be with her. You made her so proud and brought her so much joy throughout the year and on this special day. Much love and many prayers to you...

May 10, 2008 at 1:05 PM  
Anonymous Remmah said...

My heart goes out to you. I've been motherless for 6 years now and it is so difficult - still (and always I presume). I'm glad you did something to honor your mom...this year I didn't do anything..which was okay for this year...

Anyway, I enjoy reading your blog!

May 11, 2008 at 6:31 PM  

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