On Mother's Day.

I've been feeling kind of somber this week. And every time I hear or see something for Mother's Day, I feel a little twinge of sadness.

Mother's Day has always been about my mom, and in more recent years, my mom and T and M's mom. I have spent days and hours over the past years thinking and pondering about what to do or make or give. The challenge only grew harder once J and I were married. With two little ones, I wanted to make T and M's mom, my mom and J's mom all feel special and receive something special from the kids. One year I spent almost five hours at a do-it-yourself paint the pottery shop with both kids making fun keepsake plates.

Over time, the kids have started making their own things, at school and such and we've even resorted to the store bought cards and flowers.

But this year, I haven't even stood and looked at the Mother's Day cards.

And I won't.

I've given J his assignment to find something for his mom.

Come Sunday, I will be with my dad helping him do what my mom would have done. Plant flowers and get ready for summer.

Perhaps Mother's Day would be hard for anyone who's lost their mom, but the timing of it is especially difficult.

It was only one year ago that my world stopped. The earth was quiet. And for the first time in my life I learned that it wasn't going to be ok.

I think that we all know at some level that our parents will pass before us, but not when you're in your mid-twenties and your parents are healthy, happy people.

It was just one year ago that the phone rang and I looked at it oddly and knew something was wrong. It was just one year ago that tears ran out from under my sunglass covered eyes and I sat in disbelief at a baseball game.

It was just one year ago that I saw my mom in a new way.

So this Mother's Day, I could care less about flowers or cards, a dinner out or anything like that. If I could make just one request, I'd ask for one more day with mom. And even as I request that, I know that I am selfish and even one more day would never be enough to fill the gap I feel inside.

Even on those days where the tears don't fall as easily and the loss doesn't feel so raw, it is there, this longing for her. And that will never go away.

My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon