Mothering Him.

Today, my four year old H, is on cloud nine.

No, the sun's not shining and Christmas didn't come early but it might as well have.

He's got a friend coming over after preschool and he is excited. So, so excited. And I am too. {Well, kind of.}

It's the friend he walked out of class with on the second day of school both of his hands cupping his friends hand saying "Mama, this is my new friend. Can he come home with us today?"

And the tears fell quickly in the car that day when I had said no and that we'd work something out.

After some phone tag and some chaotic conversations in the preschool pick up hallway, today is the day and this boy, oh his heart, it's soaring.

Today at lunch he said; "Mama, I love you sooo much. This is the best day ever because I love this lunch and {my friend} is coming over after school." And I am pretty sure I melted when I sat down next to him and told him I loved him too.

{And in the case you're curious, lunch was toast, string cheese, apple slices, yogurt and some sliced turkey. Seriously, if this is the best day ever because of this lunch, I am thinking my life just got a whole lot easier!}

I hold on to these moments. They are fleeting. I tell anyone that will listen that four hasn't been so easy on me and him.

Four has been rough. There are whiny moments and crabby days and I admit that more than once I have wanted to scream. It is constant.

Constant questions, constant testing, constant reminding.

Some of the things he does and says I can't even imagine doing or saying as a child, let alone now. {Note: I was also a fairly compliant, parent-pleasing child. H would fall under a different category.}

I admit there are days I have felt as though mothering him was a chore and not a privilege.

For awhile I chalked things up to being off schedule with vacation and too much fun and games. Then too many spoons in the pot {too many adults telling him what to do, instead of just myself and J}.

And then one night in Brainerd after a particulary rough day with more icky moments than pleasant, J had already returned home for work and such and H was sleeping in my bed. I fell into bed that night and felt as though I was hitting my head against the wall with wonder of what I'm doing wrong and is there anything I'm doing right. Why am I so frustrated and why is he?

It's as though God came down and shook me on my shoulders right then.

Silly girl, you thought you could do this parenting business without me.

I've been making some changes.

Reading more about raising a son. {Because hello, I am 100% girl and grew up doing all things girl!}
Praying more specifically for him and the struggles him and I run into.
I joined a mom's Bible study at church that landed in my lap at just the right moment.

And with all of this combined, I am seeing changes in both myself and in him.

I love this boy something fierce. And mothering him is a privilege I am honored to have. Really.

There are going to be bad days where I hear I'm not getting anything for Mother's Day. {No joke. I hear this one rather often.} And there will be good days, like today, where I look at my full of joy, life loving son and know we're going to be ok.

This mothering business is one of the hardest things I've done yet. My mom and dad, they made it look like a cake walk and I look back at my own childhood and upbringing with so much gratitude and I want that for my kids.

Joyful hearts, a love for others and the Lord and their health.

"When you're the mom, your whole life is holding the rope against those wily secret agents who never, ever stop trying to get you to drop your end.

This tug of war often obscures what's happening between us. I am your mother. The first mile of your road. Me and all my obvious and hidden limitations. That means in addition to possibly wrecking you, I have the chance to give you what was given to me: a decent childhood, more good memories than bad, values, a sense of tribe, a run at happiness. You can't imagine how seriously I take that-even as I fail you.

Mothering you is the first thing of consequence I have done." -Kelly Corrigan

Lord, help me do it right.