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Monday, December 12, 2011

Just Write: 4 Years Later.

My littlest little is still up and the clock just went past 10. She says, "I not tired, mama, I not tired." and so she sits with books spread across the couch reading and talking and looking while J & I exchange glances that we totally should do something about this, but we're not.

It struck me just this afternoon what tomorrow is. I knew, I always know, but the memory had been below the surface and then this afternoon it just hit.

It is bitter and sweet all wrapped in one, I wrote a year ago and still find it to be true.

Four years ago tonight, after days of the hospital, exhaustion and uncertainty I climbed into my bed and tossed and turned and prayed until the phone rang in the wee hours of tomorrow and my dad's quite, somber voice told me my mom had passed away.

We knew. We were preparing. While we prayed for a miracle, we also knew the cancer would take her life. In the words of M, we wanted her to be kept safe on her way to heaven.

There are things we remember and then there are memories we keep.

I keep those days and moments in my heart. Where everything else seems a fog, I remember in great detail.

My mom has been gone four years now and friends, you've no idea what I would give, what I would do, for just another day.

I could write pages and pages and share stories and stories but tonight I don't. Instead I stare at the little face now finally asleep born 355 days after my mom's passing and think, Thank you God for what I had and thank you for what I have.
Tomorrow night, the anniversary of a sad day, my littlest little will wear her Christmas dress and she'll sing her little heart out at her preschool program and there's nothing else I'd rather do.

And while I wish my mom could be there with me, I know that she would be proud of the very proud mama I get to be.

Linking up early to Just Write.
Written Monday December 12.


Anonymous Jes said...


She would be very proud indeed.

December 12, 2011 at 11:52 PM  
Blogger jubilee said...

Funny how things creep up on us, even when we know that we know they are just around the corner . . .

Thanks for sharing.

December 13, 2011 at 12:24 AM  
Blogger Suki said...

Absolutely, she so would be proud who you get to be.

big hugs!

December 13, 2011 at 5:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She sure is PROUD of her daughter!! She is telling everyone in heaven all about you!! :) I see her in your kids, Nan is with us always..

I Love you
Autnie Laurie

December 13, 2011 at 7:24 AM  
Anonymous Kate said...

Seventeen years later, for me, I sometimes think I'd cut off a limb for a chance to just have one more day with my Mom. We just never get over that loss. I so know the pain you feel.

December 13, 2011 at 8:27 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

i love the raw honesty of your words and the simple reminder of the precious moments in life. i will never forget the days we spent loving on my grandpa before he died. it's that kind of love that i hold onto when grief still overtakes me. how perfect that your daughter will be singing on the anniversary of a sad is often my children who remind me that life goes on and there is still GOOD in life.

December 13, 2011 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh goodness, thinking of you.


December 13, 2011 at 10:31 AM  
Anonymous CJ said...

Wow. How powerful and moving. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother and the gain of your child!

December 13, 2011 at 11:12 AM  
Anonymous Dadio's said...

What a wonderful post. Mom was an inspiration to so many and oh wow is she missed. I am grateful of the time we had. Now she is in in eternity and in this life is set free from pain,sickness,and tears. Conquering the the sting of death through Jesus and is present with Our LORD...and God is Glorified. Love to all. Dadio

December 13, 2011 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger UpsideLeft said...

hugs to you Samara...your post brought tears to my eyes. It's so important to be cognizant and appreciative of all the gifts we have in our lives; thanks for reminding me of that today!

December 13, 2011 at 2:04 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Love you. Mean it. Words so simple, emotions so profound.

December 13, 2011 at 2:38 PM  
Anonymous Galit Breen said...

Sending so very much love to you.

{I'm so sorry.}

December 13, 2011 at 3:06 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way. Your mom would be very proud of your kids and of you!

December 13, 2011 at 3:58 PM  
Anonymous Jane Schimmel said...

Perfectly said...God Bless you sweety!

December 13, 2011 at 8:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Samara You should know your mother is very proud of you. I know this cuz, My haert tells me to let you know she is proud . Love you lots Janet

December 15, 2011 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Beautiful writing. She is totally proud of you. :)

December 23, 2011 at 5:34 PM  

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