Just Write: 4 Years Later.

My littlest little is still up and the clock just went past 10. She says, "I not tired, mama, I not tired." and so she sits with books spread across the couch reading and talking and looking while J & I exchange glances that we totally should do something about this, but we're not.

It struck me just this afternoon what tomorrow is. I knew, I always know, but the memory had been below the surface and then this afternoon it just hit.

It is bitter and sweet all wrapped in one, I wrote a year ago and still find it to be true.

Four years ago tonight, after days of the hospital, exhaustion and uncertainty I climbed into my bed and tossed and turned and prayed until the phone rang in the wee hours of tomorrow and my dad's quite, somber voice told me my mom had passed away.

We knew. We were preparing. While we prayed for a miracle, we also knew the cancer would take her life. In the words of M, we wanted her to be kept safe on her way to heaven.

There are things we remember and then there are memories we keep.

I keep those days and moments in my heart. Where everything else seems a fog, I remember in great detail.

My mom has been gone four years now and friends, you've no idea what I would give, what I would do, for just another day.

I could write pages and pages and share stories and stories but tonight I don't. Instead I stare at the little face now finally asleep born 355 days after my mom's passing and think, Thank you God for what I had and thank you for what I have.
Tomorrow night, the anniversary of a sad day, my littlest little will wear her Christmas dress and she'll sing her little heart out at her preschool program and there's nothing else I'd rather do.

And while I wish my mom could be there with me, I know that she would be proud of the very proud mama I get to be.


Linking up early to Just Write.
Written Monday December 12.