Peace.

Last week was a very hard week. Not just for me, but for every one in my family.

And to say that it was hard is quite possibly the largest understatement of my life.

I'm completely, indescribably, painstakingly devastated.

An hour rarely goes by that I don't think about it in some way, shape or form.

This cancer, this battle, this thing will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult things I have to deal with in my lifetime. If not the most difficult.

There are moments (such as last Friday) where I feel as though I am at rock bottom. Full of sadness, stress, and overwhelmed with grief that I can not push aside. Tears that I can not hold back.

I get myself thinking about things, like the fact that I talk to my mom every-single-day.

I start thinking about birthdays and holidays.

I think about all the things in my own home that are from my mom or remind me of my mom. H's baby quilt made lovingly by her. The picture of the Lords Supper in our dining room, a family heirloom given to me. A beautiful picture of my mom and dad from my wedding that sits on my dresser.

Then I think about the prospect of my little sister's wedding.

And then, new birth. That's probably the worst for me. Knowing that I may someday have a child that does not know my mom.

One thing I've learned for sure in life is that we all deal with things in such different ways.

While one may cry or be angry about lifes events, another person may be able to live in denial and another person may be able to compartamentalize it all.

Some laugh in the face of grief. Others get physically ill.

Some can cover up or hide their sadness.

After trying all of the above, I've started to feel a sense of peace.

For now.

That's not to say that in the near future I may be blubbering like a baby again and depressingly not myself.

I will be, of that I am sure.

I am still sad. I am still mad. I am still scared.

It is not easy to see a loved one (especially one's mother) suffer in any way.

But this last weekend I awoke with this peace. This peace that it is going to be ok.

Perhaps it is all the prayers going up on our behalf.

I have awoken with this sense of wanting to enjoy the days, weeks, dare I say years that we have left together.

Do I want to look back and remember crying my eyes out and being overwhelmed with grief? Or do I want to remember enjoying my mumsy, enjoying our life?

I'd like to take the latter, please and thank-you.

I want to soak up every moment, every piece of wisdom, every story.

Never in my life have I been more aware of God's plans in one's life.

I've said before that living where I live is not my first (or second, third or even fourth) choice of where to live. But marrying J, we had to make decisions and this is a decision that we'll stick with for years to come.

I've also mentioned that I've struggled with what I am doing with my life. Barely working. Barely using my very expensive degree. Struggling with all that and the status of being a 'success'.

But right now I can thank the good Lord for making sure I am where I am. Both where I am living and what I am doing, because this is truly right where I need to be.

And I thank the good Lord that over time my mom and I have developed such a strong, loving relationship.

And so it is a reminder, that I am not in control. Sometimes things just don't make sense. And the truest one, as we tell the kids, it's not always fair.

I am learning though that laughter truly is the best medicine.

Know that my mom is never far from my heart. Or mind.

Nor will she ever be.

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"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us when adversity takes the place of prosperity when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." --Washington Irving