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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Peace.

Last week was a very hard week. Not just for me, but for every one in my family.

And to say that it was hard is quite possibly the largest understatement of my life.

I'm completely, indescribably, painstakingly devastated.

An hour rarely goes by that I don't think about it in some way, shape or form.

This cancer, this battle, this thing will undoubtedly be one of the most difficult things I have to deal with in my lifetime. If not the most difficult.

There are moments (such as last Friday) where I feel as though I am at rock bottom. Full of sadness, stress, and overwhelmed with grief that I can not push aside. Tears that I can not hold back.

I get myself thinking about things, like the fact that I talk to my mom every-single-day.

I start thinking about birthdays and holidays.

I think about all the things in my own home that are from my mom or remind me of my mom. H's baby quilt made lovingly by her. The picture of the Lords Supper in our dining room, a family heirloom given to me. A beautiful picture of my mom and dad from my wedding that sits on my dresser.

Then I think about the prospect of my little sister's wedding.

And then, new birth. That's probably the worst for me. Knowing that I may someday have a child that does not know my mom.

One thing I've learned for sure in life is that we all deal with things in such different ways.

While one may cry or be angry about lifes events, another person may be able to live in denial and another person may be able to compartamentalize it all.

Some laugh in the face of grief. Others get physically ill.

Some can cover up or hide their sadness.

After trying all of the above, I've started to feel a sense of peace.

For now.

That's not to say that in the near future I may be blubbering like a baby again and depressingly not myself.

I will be, of that I am sure.

I am still sad. I am still mad. I am still scared.

It is not easy to see a loved one (especially one's mother) suffer in any way.

But this last weekend I awoke with this peace. This peace that it is going to be ok.

Perhaps it is all the prayers going up on our behalf.

I have awoken with this sense of wanting to enjoy the days, weeks, dare I say years that we have left together.

Do I want to look back and remember crying my eyes out and being overwhelmed with grief? Or do I want to remember enjoying my mumsy, enjoying our life?

I'd like to take the latter, please and thank-you.

I want to soak up every moment, every piece of wisdom, every story.

Never in my life have I been more aware of God's plans in one's life.

I've said before that living where I live is not my first (or second, third or even fourth) choice of where to live. But marrying J, we had to make decisions and this is a decision that we'll stick with for years to come.

I've also mentioned that I've struggled with what I am doing with my life. Barely working. Barely using my very expensive degree. Struggling with all that and the status of being a 'success'.

But right now I can thank the good Lord for making sure I am where I am. Both where I am living and what I am doing, because this is truly right where I need to be.

And I thank the good Lord that over time my mom and I have developed such a strong, loving relationship.

And so it is a reminder, that I am not in control. Sometimes things just don't make sense. And the truest one, as we tell the kids, it's not always fair.

I am learning though that laughter truly is the best medicine.

Know that my mom is never far from my heart. Or mind.

Nor will she ever be.

*************************************************
"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us when adversity takes the place of prosperity when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." --Washington Irving

6 Comments:

Blogger ann-marie said...

good for you for not allowing others to dictate how you are feeling at any given moment in your day, week, month. your emotions--and how you handle them--are completely your own.

we are praying for you. for your mom. for your family. and it will be okay. it's just a matter of how God defines "okay."

your honesty and frankness are refreshing, and they will serve you well as you continue to support your mother in her fight.

May 23, 2007 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

pardon for sin and a peace that endureth/thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide/strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow/ blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

may god's faithfulness be great toward you today. every day.

May 23, 2007 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Your blog entry was one of the first things I checked this morning and I have been thinking about you all day.

Please know that I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

My father was diagnosed with cancer when Anne was 8 and John was 4. It was such a rough time of trying to be a good mother to A and J and a good daughter for my parents. Truthfully, I was a mess.

But when you talk about feeling peace, that was an experience I had, too. There is no way we could've gotten through this time
without God's presence and the prayers of others. To this day, that feeling is remembered and still beyond my comprehension.

May 23, 2007 at 4:08 PM  
Blogger LeRoy Dissing said...

We have peace knowing that Someone is in control and we can trust Him with all our cares.

I know your mom inspired you to be the person you are...sensible, faithful and full of life; living each day to the fullest.

Will be thinking and praying for you and your family...many hugs!

May 23, 2007 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger Mrs. H said...

I'm convinced that the sense of peace you feel is the Holy Spirit. When my husband's grandfather died after a long illness, I awoke the following morning convinced that he was in His hands. I called my mother-in-law right away and told her. She felt it too and it made the passing of her father so much easier to bear.

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

May 24, 2007 at 8:11 PM  
Blogger The Process said...

I needed to read this entry today as I visited my aunt who is dying of cancer at 54. I thank God that He has given you this sense of peace that allows you the freedom to experience your mom right now. I will pray that you continue to feel this peace . . . and on the days that you don't, that you are able to embrace the pain with the knowledge that God is there.

"Thy Holy wings dear Savior, spread gently over me."

June 4, 2007 at 8:17 PM  

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