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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Making It Better.

The page is empty and my mind is full. I am not even sure where to start.

The last two weeks have been hard. And I almost double over in shame when I say that because I do realize how good I have it. I do. I am deliriously spoiled and here I am complaining, really?

Over a week ago now, after a week of mishaps and just a general sense of feeling as though I was flying by the seat of my pants, E woke up after throwing up in her crib. Now besides the fact that she had never thrown up, I didn't think much of it except that maybe she had the flu or was coming down with something. Though, it wasn't that simple. It is way too hard to go over the entire list of events that brought us to the pediatrician Wednesday, where E was mummified with just her face and one arm sticking out while they took two vials of blood for testing.

Food allergies.

So we started day one of no dairy this past Thursday and by 9am H was sharing his milk with E. Which came up along with some of her soy milk and soy yogurt a little while after lunch.

I have spent the last couple nights up late reading and going over everything and realizing how many warning signs we could have missed. Yet thinking, maybe we're wrong, maybe it'll come back and point to something different. Something better. Something simpler?
But then if they're wrong, what's next? With one of the tubes almost all the way out of her ear, there will be more questions about another surgery and things to consider.

I know that life goes on with food allergies and I know that many people are happy, healthy people. But selfishly I think about how hard my life is about to come as I pull out foods from my cupboards and fridge and the reality sets in of just how complicated it is.

And I kick myself. I am full of guilt. The biggest reason being that this allergy (or allergies) could possibly all be related to E's ear issues. {For the record she has now had five infections since she got the tubes in.}

I had been asked about the possibility of changing her diet before tubes and I actually thought it was crazy because she didn't have any food issues. But did she? Did I really miss all the signs? The excema? The late cradle cap? The red, rosy cheeks after meals? Could we have caught this months ago when I was nursing and avoided surgery?

And then there are the things I've never been told about probiotics being added to her diet considering she has been on so many antibiotics. Eliminating dairy when she's on antibiotics to avoid these issues. So many things I wish I had known before.

I know living under "what if" circumstances is never a good path to go down, yet I can't seem to stop. I am praying every prayer I can utter asking for answers and healing. I am on information overload and I am impatiently awaiting the results of her tests.

And I'm questioning modern medicine more than I've ever done before. I feel like I'm uncovering more and more and more that should have been looked at and looked into the past couple months. More explanations and more of a thorough look at everything instead of the focus on her ears.

Did you know it's ok to question your doctor? It's ok to disagree or continue the conversation if things aren't adding up or making sense. I am doing this now and forevermore.

I want answers and resolution and most of all, I want my little girl to feel better.

But in the meantime, I look at my little piece of heaven and I love on her and I tell her that this mama isn't going to stop working at making it better. I will pray til I can't pray anymore. I will demand answers til I've heard them all. It's going to be ok. For her. And for me.

12 Comments:

Blogger charish said...

It will all work out in the end. You are not perfect none of us are. We do what we think is best at the time and learn from our mistakes. All of you are in our prayers.

February 27, 2010 at 3:22 PM  
Blogger Alli said...

If there's anything I've learned in nursing school about being a consumer of healthcare, it's that you NEED to question...unfortunately doctors and nurses aren't always the advocates they should be (although, in my opinion, nurses are more often than doctors are...).

Hope E is feeling better soon!

February 27, 2010 at 4:07 PM  
Anonymous dadio said...

wow...it will be ok!
This too will pass.

Love 2 all
Dadio

February 27, 2010 at 4:59 PM  
Blogger Jon, Sara, Tyler, and Sophie said...

Samara,
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, spending time wondering "what if...". There is no doubt that you are a fantstic mother who wants nothing but the best for your children.

Things happen for a reason - to help us grow and learn, to make us better advocates, and even to just be a voice so others gain knowledge. You will continue to search for answers, and just think, in the process you are sharing your experience with many others.

February 27, 2010 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

I had a girl in my class a couple of years ago with horrible food allergies. She was allergic to almost everything that you could think of (no kidding) and even a drop of milk on her skin could cause her to go to the ER.

I don't say this to scare you, but to say, YOU CAN DO IT! Your life will become more complicated and there will be rough patches and scares, but you can do it.

You will figure out a way to live with food allergies and your beautiful girl will live a happy, healty life. :)

February 28, 2010 at 8:33 PM  
Blogger LutherLiz said...

Well it is no wonder you didn't see any signs - I wouldn't have tied antibotics, ear infections, food allergies and all that together, particularly since there was no sign of allergies yet.

We know that you are an amazing mother and even in our mistakes there is grace for us.

I'm sorry you have to deal with it. let me know if I can help at all!

February 28, 2010 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger The Fritz Facts said...

I am with Liz on this, I would have NEVER tied all that together, and Boo was similar to E with ear infections and the tons of antibiotics. It wasn't something that was ever talked about.

One day at a time. One meal, one snack, one moment. THAT is all that you can do.

Oh, and send Missy TONS of e-mails because she is so very knowledgeable!!

Thinking of you, praying for E and her Mama!

February 28, 2010 at 9:43 PM  
Blogger Recovering Procrastinator said...

Food allergies are so hard to spot. I have a friend who is allergic to gluten and didn't figure it out until she was about 35. She'd had symptoms for many many years and had been to docs and they couldn't figure out what it was.

I would never have guessed ear infections to be caused by allergies. I wouldn't have thought to test for it either.

But now you're getting to the bottom of it and that's what matters.

February 28, 2010 at 10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe you still fit her little feet in those flower shoes!

Samantha

February 28, 2010 at 11:19 PM  
Anonymous Jes said...

Samara,

I agree with so many others that have already left their comments. You can handle this! You and your small village are very strong together, and you'll make it! One step at a time. Keep asking the questions, and eventually you'll find the answers!

Praying for you to have all the strength you need for this journey!

March 1, 2010 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Alli said...

Hhmm...I wonder if what I meant to say didn't come across like i meant it...I didn't at all mean that you missed something that you shouldn't have!

I only meant that I think that you are right to think about questioning modern medicine-it's not the answer to everything.

March 1, 2010 at 8:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

March 6, 2010 at 1:06 AM  

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