Making It Better.

The page is empty and my mind is full. I am not even sure where to start.

The last two weeks have been hard. And I almost double over in shame when I say that because I do realize how good I have it. I do. I am deliriously spoiled and here I am complaining, really?

Over a week ago now, after a week of mishaps and just a general sense of feeling as though I was flying by the seat of my pants, E woke up after throwing up in her crib. Now besides the fact that she had never thrown up, I didn't think much of it except that maybe she had the flu or was coming down with something. Though, it wasn't that simple. It is way too hard to go over the entire list of events that brought us to the pediatrician Wednesday, where E was mummified with just her face and one arm sticking out while they took two vials of blood for testing.

Food allergies.

So we started day one of no dairy this past Thursday and by 9am H was sharing his milk with E. Which came up along with some of her soy milk and soy yogurt a little while after lunch.

I have spent the last couple nights up late reading and going over everything and realizing how many warning signs we could have missed. Yet thinking, maybe we're wrong, maybe it'll come back and point to something different. Something better. Something simpler?

But then if they're wrong, what's next? With one of the tubes almost all the way out of her ear, there will be more questions about another surgery and things to consider.

I know that life goes on with food allergies and I know that many people are happy, healthy people. But selfishly I think about how hard my life is about to come as I pull out foods from my cupboards and fridge and the reality sets in of just how complicated it is.

And I kick myself. I am full of guilt. The biggest reason being that this allergy (or allergies) could possibly all be related to E's ear issues. {For the record she has now had five infections since she got the tubes in.}

I had been asked about the possibility of changing her diet before tubes and I actually thought it was crazy because she didn't have any food issues. But did she? Did I really miss all the signs? The excema? The late cradle cap? The red, rosy cheeks after meals? Could we have caught this months ago when I was nursing and avoided surgery?

And then there are the things I've never been told about probiotics being added to her diet considering she has been on so many antibiotics. Eliminating dairy when she's on antibiotics to avoid these issues. So many things I wish I had known before.

I know living under "what if" circumstances is never a good path to go down, yet I can't seem to stop. I am praying every prayer I can utter asking for answers and healing. I am on information overload and I am impatiently awaiting the results of her tests.

And I'm questioning modern medicine more than I've ever done before. I feel like I'm uncovering more and more and more that should have been looked at and looked into the past couple months. More explanations and more of a thorough look at everything instead of the focus on her ears.

Did you know it's ok to question your doctor? It's ok to disagree or continue the conversation if things aren't adding up or making sense. I am doing this now and forevermore.

I want answers and resolution and most of all, I want my little girl to feel better.

But in the meantime, I look at my little piece of heaven and I love on her and I tell her that this mama isn't going to stop working at making it better. I will pray til I can't pray anymore. I will demand answers til I've heard them all. It's going to be ok. For her. And for me.