Watching.

When I was pregnant with E, I wavered between excitement over the new baby and an overwhelmed guilt of how I would forever change H's life.

I had long vowed and told anyone who'd listen that I wouldn't have another babe for awhile. I wanted H to be older, wiser and honestly, selfishly, I wanted him to get me to himself a little while more because I already felt like his time was divided with older siblings.

Sure enough, the American norm hit our family like a brick and H at age 2 years and almost 8 months became a big brother.

And while I celebrated my new little girl, I also spent more than just a night or two going to bed feeling as though I'd missed an entire day of my son's life. I'd watch him sleep at night and promise to be more intentional the next day. Too busy nursing and holding and rocking and babying was I to notice each and every intricacy I once had had time to admire between H and I.
In a matter of hours, his entire self had aged. His entire world changed. And so did mine.

But oh so much for the better.
I watch him with her. How he loves her. How he knows her and her ways. Not once have I specifically talked to him and E and the things she can and can't eat these days and just this afternoon he bent down to her sweet face as she watched him eating string cheese and told her; "I'm sorry, Evie, you can't have string cheese but maybe you could have a pear?" Just like I would say.

And then later as she watches him, because oh does she watch him, he's drinking his milk and he again tells her sweetly, "You can't have this, you have to have soy milk."

As much as I watch him with her. She is watching him. And he, he is watching me and learning how to love and care for his sister.

Perfect, it's not. She still takes his things when he doesn't want her to. He still gets wild and crazy and can have his not so gentle moments, with words and with actions.

But I watch him with her and I know that the best gift we've given him is the gift of E. I've watched him learn to love her the way that we do and it inspires me.

The more I watch, the more I know. The best gifts we've given our kids are the gifts of each other. I truly believe it.