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A Chunk of my Heart.

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

A Chunk of my Heart.

"I don't want to alarm you." The voice on the phone said. It was my neighbor, Tom. "But H, is outside on the playset."

"What?!?" I said and then noticing that sure enough my little boy was not in the house.

I wasn't being negligent, I wasn't off in my own world. H even had two little playmates over and while I chatted with their mom, I assumed that the three were playing happily.

He came in, got dry, clean clothes on and I told him how dangerous going outside alone can be. And then we went about our playdate and then lunch at school with M.

It didn't quite hit me until I laid H down at naptime several hours later how scary that was.

Had I noticed that H was gone, my mind would have gone to far away and bad places. I would have unknowingly wasted time searching the house and then every possible scenario would have gone through my mind.

He could have run out into the road. A car could have been coming...

There could have been a stranger going by...

He could have wandered a few houses away to a marshy backyard...

Instead he was dirty from the playset, wet from the dew on the grass and shoe-less.

My heart has seemed to calm down since then. I realize I will do what I can not to let that happen again. I knew he knew how to unlock and open the screen door as he did it last week while I watched. I just didn't think he'd ever go out on his own or maybe that I'd hear him.

As I sat on H's bed after books and a song and prayer this afternoon, I realized this icky, yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach and how I couldn't possibly even grasp the loss of this little boy. I was mad that he went out the door, but more than that I was scared, I was sad that it had happened in the first place and I was mad at myself for letting such a thing happen.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone

There is much truth to that old quote, because today I know that a chunk of my heart was walking outside (even if it was just the backyard playset) without me.

H. July 2008


Blogger Melissa said...

There are a lot of women in this world who would never post such a story because they wouldn't want to admit that their child escaped from their sight and control. Thanks for your candor and humility on your blog. H is so blessed to have a mommy like you, just as you are blessed by him. I'm glad he's okay.

September 4, 2008 at 4:30 PM  
Anonymous Dadio said...

Well scarry it is. Heart rending. Remember the FATHER knows him better than you and wants the best. Please do not beat yourself up too bad. This is how we learn. You know what needs to be done and J & you will do it. Remember
Prov 3:5&6. H is in good hands.

Love to all

September 4, 2008 at 10:53 PM  
Blogger GMS said...

I'm always amazed at how many "worst case scenarios" the mother mind can pack into the brief second or minute that she cannot immediately spot her child right where "he/she just was a second ago". Most of the time he/she is simply standing on the other side of you...but that doesn't stop the "worst case scenario" mother mind from rapidly flashing several heart stopping scenes in record breaking time!! Motherhood is one adventure after another, isn't it?

September 5, 2008 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Isn't it something how one's heart can literally feel like it is in one's throat??

Thank goodness all ended well.

September 5, 2008 at 11:42 AM  
Blogger Patois said...

There is nothing to say to assauge you, I think. I just don't know if knowing others -- myself included -- have been in that same zone would help. But we have.

September 6, 2008 at 9:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Been there! In Lowes. In the grocery store. In my own house.

And I hate the immediate "what if?" too.

September 6, 2008 at 3:19 PM  

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