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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Uncharted Territory.

I am sure that there are many books available or articles I could read.
To teach me how to watch my mother. To teach me how to wait.
To teach me how to listen to my father's tears stream down.
To teach me how to shield children from the grave and honest truth that death is on it's way.
But this is all uncharted territory for me.

My mother taught me my ABC's and how to tie my shoes. She taught me manners and prayers.
My father taught me how to be funny and how to love the Lord.
They taught me that life is sometimes not fair and how to be open minded. They taught me to be kind.
But neither of them taught me how to do this.

How do you wait and watch your parents through sickness, pain and suffering?
Because I want to make it better.
I don't want to watch and wait anymore, I want to make it better.
Sadly, so sadly, I can't.

Tonight after our Monday activities of football for T and dance/gymnastics for M we sat down to dinner.
To talk.
And again we entered this uncharted territory that no one ever told me about.
The kids most likely did not comprehend the true meaning of the words that were spoken. M, always a ham, tried to add humor.
Cancer, what an ugly, icky word.
A word I wanted to protect them from.
We are in uncharted territory. There are no instructions to how to get through.

I'm realizing that this is the difficult part of growing older.

I'm realizing that there is nothing I, in my humanity can do but cry out to God.

I'm trusting Him and hoping in miracles, but I also realize that sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to, or the way we plan.

I realize I will never know why her or why now because this is a flawed world. Though I can't say that I don't wish to know.

I do, so badly wish to know why. I do, so badly wish to know how to get through this uncharted territory.I am reminded of my words in May.

This cancer, this battle, this thing will undoubtedly be one of the most
difficult things I have to deal with in my lifetime. If not the most difficult.

But it is more than a thing, it is more than something to deal with.

It is my mumsy. My most precious loving mumsy who brought me into this world and raised me and loved me. And stood in my corner when no one else would.My mumsy who still in the wake of personal crisis and sickness could say that the Lord is good.

Today while sorting through my e-mails, I came across an e-mail exchange from May 22. Just eight days after her diagnosis. Once in awhile M will get on a kick and ask to e-mail family and friends, just short little notes saying hi and a song. She recites them and I type them. My mom wrote her back with her own song.

Good morning Maddy: I loved your singing and your song choice. Now I
will sing for you
....."Oh the Lord is good to me, and so I thank the Lord, for
giving me the things I need, the sun, the rain and the appleseed. Oh the
Lord is good to me."
Hope you make it a wonderful day, learn lots at school. Love, Nan.

And the Lord is good, especially in uncharted territory. For I think He knows that is where we need Him most.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uncharted territory it is.. We all want to make it better, sometimes I wish I could just suck it right out Mum, wish it was that easy. But here we go into those uncharted waters.
I will help you the best I can
Yes the Lord is Good
I Love you
Auntie L.

September 18, 2007 at 11:27 AM  
Blogger melissa said...

love and peace to you from spain but close in spirit. my tears are with and for your hurting heart and my prayers are for great love and joy to fill the nooks and crannies of the days you have together with your mumsy. love you, mean it.

September 18, 2007 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger ann-marie said...

it's hard to watch our parents age and get sick, and i fear the days when the tables turn and mine have to rely on me for everything. not because i don't want to be there for them, but because i don't want to experience what will follow. i'm sorry you are having to deal with this at such a young age.

my prayers are with you and your family.

September 18, 2007 at 3:16 PM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Thinking of you and your family and sending my love, thoughts and prayers your way.

September 18, 2007 at 3:24 PM  
Anonymous linda said...

I have not stopped praying. You are always on my mind my friend. My heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you for never being afraid to share your heart on here. You keep me in check. thank you.

September 18, 2007 at 4:44 PM  
Blogger audrey said...

i'm praying for you and your family as you work your way through this uncharted territory. may every moment be an blessing to each of you.

it was difficult for me to watch my husband go through these emothion when his mother was sick four years ago, but i don't think it could even begin to prepare me for my own parents.

thinking of you, samara.

September 18, 2007 at 4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One thing I know for sure is that Nan must be a wonderful Mother, because you daughters are amazing! Your father directed me to this blog site and I'm in awe of your ability to put your thoughts in writing. Mike Hogan and I just can't believe how hard this must be for all of your families--it's so unfair. Just know that we are constantly thinking about you all and that a miracle happens to help Nan get well. God bless you all. Trish Hogan

September 19, 2007 at 8:13 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Sending you strength and courage, and hope, always hope.

September 21, 2007 at 4:34 PM  
Anonymous SusieJ said...

I have walked this path -- but not alone. Later, with time I saw how much I was cared for by a loving spirit. Praying for you.

September 22, 2007 at 2:13 PM  

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