Uncharted Territory.

I am sure that there are many books available or articles I could read.
To teach me how to watch my mother. To teach me how to wait.
To teach me how to listen to my father's tears stream down.
To teach me how to shield children from the grave and honest truth that death is on it's way.
But this is all uncharted territory for me.

My mother taught me my ABC's and how to tie my shoes. She taught me manners and prayers.
My father taught me how to be funny and how to love the Lord.
They taught me that life is sometimes not fair and how to be open minded. They taught me to be kind.
But neither of them taught me how to do this.

How do you wait and watch your parents through sickness, pain and suffering?
Because I want to make it better.
I don't want to watch and wait anymore, I want to make it better.
Sadly, so sadly, I can't.

Tonight after our Monday activities of football for T and dance/gymnastics for M we sat down to dinner.
To talk.
And again we entered this uncharted territory that no one ever told me about.
The kids most likely did not comprehend the true meaning of the words that were spoken. M, always a ham, tried to add humor.
Cancer, what an ugly, icky word.
A word I wanted to protect them from.
We are in uncharted territory. There are no instructions to how to get through.

I'm realizing that this is the difficult part of growing older.

I'm realizing that there is nothing I, in my humanity can do but cry out to God.

I'm trusting Him and hoping in miracles, but I also realize that sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to, or the way we plan.

I realize I will never know why her or why now because this is a flawed world. Though I can't say that I don't wish to know.

I do, so badly wish to know why. I do, so badly wish to know how to get through this uncharted territory.I am reminded of my words in May.

This cancer, this battle, this thing will undoubtedly be one of the most
difficult things I have to deal with in my lifetime. If not the most difficult.

But it is more than a thing, it is more than something to deal with.

It is my mumsy. My most precious loving mumsy who brought me into this world and raised me and loved me. And stood in my corner when no one else would.My mumsy who still in the wake of personal crisis and sickness could say that the Lord is good.

Today while sorting through my e-mails, I came across an e-mail exchange from May 22. Just eight days after her diagnosis. Once in awhile M will get on a kick and ask to e-mail family and friends, just short little notes saying hi and a song. She recites them and I type them. My mom wrote her back with her own song.

Good morning Maddy: I loved your singing and your song choice. Now I
will sing for you....."Oh the Lord is good to me, and so I thank the Lord, for
giving me the things I need, the sun, the rain and the appleseed. Oh the
Lord is good to me."
Hope you make it a wonderful day, learn lots at school. Love, Nan.

And the Lord is good, especially in uncharted territory. For I think He knows that is where we need Him most.