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Monday, December 10, 2007

Life Changes.

Today was our last ECFE class until after the holidays and while I'm sure there will be a time to tell you of my feelings about class and the actual friends I have made, that time isn't now.

When Henry and I arrived at class today, I didn't feel right. I still can not put my finger on what was bothering me, but something wasn't right. I typically leave my coat and bag in the classroom but today decided to hang it up in a locker outside the room and as I closed the locker I worried that I would miss a call.

I quickly put the thought to side, who would be calling me in the middle of class and even if I heard it ring would I answer?

We went about our busyness of class and enjoyed the naivete we were able to have for just a short while longer. For once we left class, more truth came my way via voicemail.

It is amazing how life changes in just moments.

There is something about the way my dad's voice sounds now. It has changed. Over time. It is hopeful, yet honest, sad, yet unconvincingly upbeat. It is older, worn down and at times, beat.

My mom is in the hospital again and I can't stand this feeling of helplessness I have. I can't make the pain go away, I can't even talk to her. All I can do is sit inside my home, while my busy toddler sleeps and wait.

For the phone to ring again, or an e-mail to come in, for news of some sort. Of some hopeful, happy sort.

There is so much going on in our lives right now that is good. That is good, and busy, and full of love and joy. And then there is this. This cancer and this pain and goodbyes that will come too soon.

I get angry when I hear about others having conflict with their parents, I want to shake them on their shoulders and tell them to get over it and enjoy the time they have. I get jealous when I see grandma's with their very little grandchildren.

That should be my mom and my son, I think.

Today, I am sad. There are days, I am more together and more at peace and more excited about the good and the happy things, but then there are days where the truth and the reality hits me like a ton of bricks and this feeling of helplessness overwhelms me to no escape.

Wishing and hoping will do nothing. Crying will help, but praying for peace, for comfort and for a reason to laugh may have to be what gets me through.


Blogger melissa said...

My three words for this day, and for the days to follow, after reading this post? "God Bless Samara."

The words to follow those, of course, are "and J. and M. and T. and H. and Nan and all of the rest of their family".


December 10, 2007 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger yeb said...

i'm here by way of stepmother's milk.

i KNOW what you mean by "get over your fight and enjoy your parents". so many people don't appreciate their relationship with their parents.

but, you can't see into their relationships. as much as i want to yell at them, it's their own reality, and i have to let it go.

my aunt always says "be gentle with yourself". these life altering moments, these moments that shake our cores and twist our realities, they strengthen us. more often than not, after a good cry.

December 10, 2007 at 7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Your mom (and the rest of the family) has been in our thoughts and prayers constantly over the last few months, but especially over the last week. I am very sorry to hear that your mom has been hospitalized. If you need anything over the next few days, please don't be afraid to ask!

Many hugs to all of you!


December 11, 2007 at 12:58 AM  
Blogger Jill Davis Doughtie said...

Your mom is in my thoughts. I wish I could send you a hug across the internet.

December 11, 2007 at 6:02 AM  
Blogger audrey said...

i'm so very saddened to hear that your mom is in the hospital again. you and your entire family are in my prayers.

i can only imagine how you're feeling right now. please know that you have friends everywhere thinking of you.

December 11, 2007 at 10:56 AM  
Blogger The Lindahl News said...

Please know we are thinking of all of you at this time. Words just don't seem adequate for sending along to you all. We are keeping you in our prayers. Godspeed.

December 11, 2007 at 12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Samara, I am so sad for you and your whole family. The void of losing your mother is immense, and I'm so sorry you all have to face it. She must be so proud of you. Your talent for putting your feelings into words are incredible. I have saved all of the cards and emails she sent me over the past couple of months and I will send them to you to keep as a small journal of her thoughts. I won't be able to attend the funeral on Monday--I am so sorry--I will be in International Falls for the holidays. My husband Mike will be there and I will be thinking of all of you. God bless you all. Sincerely, Trish Hogan

December 14, 2007 at 7:20 AM  

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