Still Standing.

On Thursday, December 13th at 1:05 a.m. my mother, my mumsy, passed away. She left the pain and the illness she'd been living with and fighting for the last seven months and went home to be with our Father in heaven.

While I'm glad that she is at peace and out of pain, I am sad, because she was my mom. And a mom can not ever be replaced. Even though there are so many people who love me and are willing to do anything and everything, my mom is still gone.

The last several days have been a whirlwind of activity and details to take care of. My mother left us in many ways more prepared than we could have been. Details already attended to, instructions taken care of. Even as death came closer to her, she took care of her family, because that is what she always did.

I will not idealize my mother, instead I will tell you just how she was.

She was loving and beautiful and funny and smart. She was honest and tactful and knew how to present herself in any and every situation. She was strong.

She loved the Lord and showed that to us not by being a Bible-thumper, but instead by the way she quietly lived her life for Him and loved all people.

She loved her husband and even after thirty years of marriage and thirty-six years together was still madly in love. When people asked if she was married, her response was always, "Happily."

She loved her children and wanted the best for them in every way possible. She worked hard and made sacrifices so that we could have every experience and have everything we ever needed and more. I think I am safe speaking for both my sisters and myself in saying, we never went without anything and we took it all for granted.

She loved her grandchildren and made each one feel special in their own way. The joy that I saw in her during my pregnancy and birth of Henry will never be forgotten and will surely be passed on to him as he grows and learns more about her.

As I read an article about our blended-family on Saturday morning and then flipped to find my mom's obituary in the same paper, I couldn't help but chuckle knowing she probably wouldn't have had it any other way. We didn't know when the story would be published and the timing wasn't ideal but I knew that she was proud of the mom and the stepmom I'd become and she made sure I knew that.

As I sat in church on Monday morning I could not help but think of the many Christmas programs and youth activities that took place in that sanctuary. Confirmation and choir activities. My wedding. I could not help but realize that the day of her funeral was the day Henry turned 20 months.

I will miss her. I talked with my mom several times a day and saw her at least two times a week. She knew just when to give me advice and just when to listen. Just two weeks ago, we had what was our last great conversation, she knew she was dying, I knew she was dying, but I just wanted her to tell me what I could do to help make it better. "Just be you. I want you." She said through tears.

I am sad not only for the loss of my mother, but also the great loss my father is experiencing. His partner in life, his wife, his confidant, his everything.

He will miss her, but he also knows that she is at peace and celebrating while she's getting everything squared away for when we arrive in heaven. Just like she's always done.

She is happy and probably wants nothing more than for us to be happy too.

I am not sure right now how much I'll be writing these next days, there is a lot for me to do and take care of myself. My dad and my family are what I need to attend to right now. Phone calls and thank you's and details we need to wrap up. And then I'll get my own family ready for Christmas and a new year.

I will probably never know the reasons or understand why now or why her. I will never be able to make it all go away and be better. But I can stand there next to my dad and I can hold onto his arm and tell him that I love him and how much I love her. How thankful I am that I was born into that family, with those parents, and that life. And even though the last few days have been hard and the next several will be hard too, I know that I am not alone.

I am still standing. Even when I don't know how, I am. Because of the prayers and the love and the people in my life. My husband and children, extended family and friends. Still standing. Because of the mom I had, and the dad I still have. We're still standing.