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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

84 Days.

Today was day eighty-four.

A couple weeks ago, the phone rang in the middle of the night. I jumped out of bed, grabbed the phone only to find out it was a wrong number. It took me hours after to fall back asleep.

The last time the phone had rung in the middle of the night it had been my dad with the words I had dreaded hearing.

I will never forget the adrenaline that burst through my body as I sprinted to the phone. I will never forget the wave that crashed over me and overwhelmed my entire being as I heard the words come out of his mouth.

I will never forget those long days at the hospital, wondering, waiting, watching, wanting nothing more than for her to be comfortable and the tears that dropped from my eyes onto her face and her body as I sat next to her.

And I will never forget that final walk into the hospital that early morning or the final walk out arm and arm with my dad hours later.

I get scared when we look at pictures and H points in each and every picture to grandpa but blankly stares at me when I say grandma.

"Grandma." I say shoving my finger onto her face. He points his finger next to her where grandpa is and says, "Boppa."

"Where's grandma?" I ask. And he points at grandpa and says "Boppa" again.

Finally, when my heart is about ready to give up, "Can you give grandma a kiss?" and he leans across the page and kisses her face and I realize that he is just stubborn and little and I'll never let him forget.

Which makes me remember that it's only been 84 days and this is really just the beginning.


Blogger Melissa said...


March 5, 2008 at 10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh S tears are running down my face, I know you will never let H forget his Grandma, as we will never forget Nan..
I to panic when the phone rings in the middle of the night, It's been that way for years, as I live so far away from family.
We all miss her dearly and I to have been counting the days.
Hugs and Kisses
I Love You
Auntie Laurie

March 6, 2008 at 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Dadio said...

I know he will know he gets older we will tell him about how much she loved him. She will be watching him as he grows.
Right now 84 days, 10 hours, 32 minutes and 35 seconds can be converted to one of these units:
7,295,555 seconds
121,592 minutes (rounded down)
2026 hours (rounded down)
12 weeks
My heart is broken. However day by day we need to do what Mom wants. Smile, open our eyes, love and goe on....
Love Grace Peace to all

March 6, 2008 at 11:42 AM  
Blogger audrey said...

Oh, Samara. This post brought tears to my eyes, and your Dad's comment made them fall.

March 6, 2008 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Wow. I'm so sorry. I have a grandmother that I love very much and she's getting old, so I worry about the same things happening over here.

You have such a sweet, blog reading family. :) Mine never comments... *sigh*

March 8, 2008 at 4:35 PM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

And I didn't mean to insinuate that losing my grandmother would be as difficult as losing your mom must have been- only that it's something I worry about sometimes. I'm sorry.

March 8, 2008 at 6:47 PM  

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